Oh dear, yet another NO. NO we don’t want you as a trainer. NO we don’t want you at our school. NO I’m not interested in you as anything other than a friend. NO you can’t join our program. I’m tired of it.
I know this isn’t how I’m supposed to view things, but it feels like “NO you’re not good enough.” And I’m really starting to believe it. Actually, I kind of already knew that I believed it somewhere deep down.
In case you’re wondering, I got a NO from the YES Facilitator program at work, which I’ve had my heart set on for months. I didn’t even make it past the first round of auditions. Surprise, everyone who said they were in entertainment seemed to go on. The audition took place in a rehearsal hall, which was covered in mirrors. So I also saw myself. Not terribly happy with the girl I was seeing in that mirror, especially next to most of the others in the room.
I don’t want to be told to try again, or that I’m almost there, or that I’ll get it right eventually. I just want to feel like I did something right, something that validates me.
I’m off to go sulk in my room for a while.
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